Sit down for a moment and think to yourself, ' what is your ultimate goal?'. Now imagine you could actually achieve it. In all honesty it's not likly you will. Not being pessimistic, just realistic. We live in a world that is set on destroying your dreams. Misery loves company, and everyone is miserable. Well not neccessarily everyone, there are those select few out there who understand things in the world better than others. Instead of being taken for a ride and being drug down into the cesspool of humanity, they are the conductors and are prepared to give just about anyone a ride who want to get on their insanity train.

Now I'm not saying I'm a conductor, I have yet to fully Master the language of manipulation, and the other slimy ways that go along with it, but I am well on my way. And I am one that it would take many of you awhile to catch up to. Calculating and precise. I have plans, and back up plans. but nothing is fool proof after all we are just humans. -sigh-

I have been thinking lately of all the things I have done in my past, all the things done to me. All the people that have helped me become who I am. Everything is perfect, exactly as it should be. One day we will be where we should, and I am glad to be where I was. I should be sad for the ones in my past who have done me wrong, but I'm not. They will get exactly what they deserve, one way or another. I would love to watch, but I'm sure I won't be there for each and everyone, oh well.

I'd love to say that one day I will be Great, and one day I will rise high, but I know that will never happen. That is one thing you should always know about yourself. Know your limitations. I will never declare myself a 'God' or otherwise.... but hey I'd make one hell of a personal assistant ;)


Self Discovery.. is interesting.

So last night.. err early this morning, I got my first tattoo. My bestie and I actually got matching tats, a very cute butterfly on our ankles. Before you groan and think oh whatever a butterfly, it's not the pink/purple flowery butterfly, it's a badass black and white pointed one.. I love it. Anyway, so lately things have just been getting more and more stressful here at the house. We got this move coming up, and getting out of the Army, going to the civilian world. The kids are driving me nuts, I love them but man I can't wait for school to start back :) Bub is full swing into the terrible two stage, and while it has it's absolutely adorable moments, it also has it's pull my hair out of my head moments. I am looking forward to going back to work full time, oh how I miss the freedom and independence of that.

On a personal note. I have struggled with .. issues.. for years now and even though I have visited shrinks and been medicated, I have never really felt.. good. I have gotten better over the years, man have I gotten better, I used to be in a bad place, and I'm on 26, so after 11 years of fighting with something you have no control over, you learn how to best deal with it and to live your life the best way you can with that .. issue. I have never been a person for pain, never been a 'cutter' really, in my courses of treatment I have come across a few ppl who have and I have even made friends with ppl who have, I don't judge. After everything I've dealt with who am I to cast judgement? Asking those ppl though why they did it, the answer I always got was that it helps them release the 'pain' that is built up on the inside. The never really made sense to me. I mean I understand the 'pain they are talking about, emotional, mental pain, it is excruciating, and can kill you.. literally. But I never understood how adding a outside physical pain to it could release it from the inside. Now I think I kind of understand that logic. The tattoo hurt, but afterward.. well 'today' afterward, I feel calm, I'm not nearly as stressed as I have been in the past weeks. My head seems clearer, I haven't come close to getting a headache, which lately has become almost a daily occurrence. I feel like I have had some kind of pressure release from inside me, like I was a balloon that was being blown up to it's absolute capacity about to burst, and now someone has opened the valve and let the air out, no more pressure against the walls, and I even have room to breath. I wonder if it is from the actual physical pain that gave me this sense of release, or if it was the idea that I went and did something for myself, I went and got a tattoo.. though I doubt that is the reason.. I just don't know. But no fear, I am not becoming addicted to pain, and I will not be turning into a 'cutter' so no need to worry about my flesh. And I am still medicated so my emotional and mental well being is still doing good too :)


TV is back... sort of.. part- time

Ok so I am in love with the series True Blood, ha ha, who can't be? Well I know of a few ppl who wouldn't be, but they are total losers, ha ha, no offense intended. But yeah I mean it has Vampires, Mind readers, shape shifters, murderers/ serial killers, werewolves, and anything else paranormal you can ask for. It's also got lots of steamy sex, and confusing drama after drama situations. Immature retards, that honestly can only exist in Louisiana, and some deep stuff, like soul searching type stuff, that the one real gay man in the show always seems to come up with. I absolutely am addicted to True Blood, lol. I love it. The cool difference between these vamps and the ones in Twilight, these guys get to sleep :) No offence, but if I was gonna be alive for like FOREVER I would definitely want to sleep, I mean hello, there is definitely not enough stuff in the entire world to cover every minute of everyday if you can never sleep, plus I LIKE my sleep. ha ha. But that's just all metaphorically speaking cuz I'm definitely human, and vamps don't really exist, unless you count the government, cuz the can suck a person dry, lol


Back Again.

I finally get my computer back, even though I have actually had MY computer back for about two weeks now, only my husband confiscated it in order to play is video games after his computer crashed, ugh. But now he has his computer back so therefore I have mine back, what a glorious day. I finally got most of the things for the garage sale this weekend priced, well about half of it anyway :),  thanks ever so much to Christy and Brent. If it had not been for them, I probably would have never gotten out there and did any of it. I am an extremely lazy person. It has only been one week of summer vacation for my daughter Hay, but already I feel as if I'm going out of my mind!! This spending all day everyday with my kids is driving my bonkers. I give the utmost congrats to any stay at home mother/father, and and parent doing home schooling, this is a grueling profession, with little pay, little gratitude, and even less self fulfillment ( in my opinion ). So hats off and I tip my drink in your favor. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore my children, they are the loves of my life, but sometimes I suppose I am selfish, and I enjoy some me time, without them, without my husband, without the dog or cat, or dishes and vacuum, just little ole me and the peace and quiet. The stay at home mom job is not in me, I can't wait to be back at work, back to reality, OUT of Louisiana, and into the real world. No offense intended to the ones who live here and enjoy this life, but it's for the birds, and I know plenty that agree with me. Anyhow enough about that. I will be going back to visit my Mama in a few weeks, very excited about that, I like going to see her, it makes me sad that we live so far apart and she only gets to see her grandchildren once or twice a year, it would be better for her to see them more, but it is better for her and my relationship that we stay farther apart, we love each other dearly, but our personalities are so alike yet differ in so many ways that us coinciding is next to impossible, trust me, we've tried it numerous times. so anyhow enough for now, I'm off to inspect my computer and see what damage my husband has inflicted upon it in the last few weeks :).


Reading and Writing.

So I have went back to reading, I'm not giving up on my writing, and I haven't come to a writers block already, I just haven't been writing. I still have a million ideas in my head, but I love to read so much that writing seems to interfere with that. Plus I have so much going on now days that I just prefer to get lost in someone else's story world than my own, so I don't really have to think about everything else. Its not bad things so much as stressful times, the move coming up faster and faster, going out into the civilian world. I have lived within the walls of the Military, being both a soldier and a spouse, for 10 years now. I will readily admit, I'm scared. The summer is coming, which means Hay will be out of school and home all day long, I love both my children with all my heart, but I am lacking in the patience department. And with all the other added stress, I'm not expecting this to be the best summer, plus we are still in Louisiana, I hate this miserable heat. If it weren't for Christy I'd have gone off the deep end by now (if you were to ask my hubby, I already have gone off the deep end, years ago, lol. ) Oh well, this is life, you take the hand they give you and you bluff you're way through it. :)


Trying my hand.

So after reading perhaps hundreds of books, I've decided I'm going to try my hand at writing one, lol. yeah yeah I know, a book is hard work, it's not something just anyone can do, it takes a lot of patience and dedication, and you have to want it. well guys, i do. i want it, right now at least, and I hope I still want it in my future, I mean, I know I will, I have wanted to write a book for a long long time, but never had the time, or patience, or whatever it was I needed at the moment, something was always lacking, well now I've got it, I've got a story in my head, and I got my storyline done, I'm already working on the book, as we speak, well not as we speak because we aren't exactly talking, and well, I'm not on the book, I'm actually blogging, but i wanted to tell someone, because I'm supper excited :). anyway, my husband is being super supportive, go figure that out, lol. and I'm happy right now, wish me luck


Oh, Mother..board

So, today I was surfing the Internet, not really doing much of anything, looking at some new books, thinking about maybe buying a few. Then I realize I have to run to the dang store, I got to get one last Mother's Day card out, so it will get there on time. I leave, computer is running fine, I turned off the screen though ( it tends to trick my 2 yr. old, if he thinks the comp is off, he won't mess with it ). I was gone, say, maybe an hour and a half, I come home and what do I find??? My computer is no longer working. The pretty blue light, that lights up when the power is on and everything is running fine, is now and ugly shade of orange, and the screen, well it won't even turn back on for me. So I start turning things on and off, plugging and unplugging, I switch out cords, switch out monitors, nothing. I call HP customer service, get a tech, only to have them tell me that my warranty JUST ran up last month and that for me to purchase a new one to cover parts and labor would cost me $250. HOLY COW right?? Then I ask how much it would cost then to fix my computer without the warranty, they go online, do a remote access, well, they TRY to do the remote access, but since I can't see my screen, I can't allow them on, so they tell me I can send it in, they will look at it and then let me know what is wrong and then we can go from there, I ask how much that will cost, only $140 they say, YEAH RIGHT!! So I politely tell them I will think about it and will call them back later, I'm sooo never calling them back for that. A friend here on post, her father is a computer specialist, he has degrees in it, and she asks him to take a look, and he gladly agrees. After taking apart and looking over my computer he comes to the conclusion it's one of two things, either my video card, or my motherboard, but seeing as in my computer the video card is built ONTO the motherboard, it's kind of all and the same. I go to the local computer shop, they have a extra video card that is compatible with my computer, they attach it, we cross our fingers, if this works it means it's only the video card, and will only cost me $80!!! Alas, I have no such luck, nothing happens, after running a few checks and doing and analysis, they discover that it's not only my video card ON the motherboard, but a few other things on there as well. My motherboard has passed away. The cost of me to have HP fix my motherboard and return it to me is almost $300, but I could just go buy almost the same computer from them, for $350, brand new... what to do, what to do.