Self Discovery.. is interesting.

So last night.. err early this morning, I got my first tattoo. My bestie and I actually got matching tats, a very cute butterfly on our ankles. Before you groan and think oh whatever a butterfly, it's not the pink/purple flowery butterfly, it's a badass black and white pointed one.. I love it. Anyway, so lately things have just been getting more and more stressful here at the house. We got this move coming up, and getting out of the Army, going to the civilian world. The kids are driving me nuts, I love them but man I can't wait for school to start back :) Bub is full swing into the terrible two stage, and while it has it's absolutely adorable moments, it also has it's pull my hair out of my head moments. I am looking forward to going back to work full time, oh how I miss the freedom and independence of that.

On a personal note. I have struggled with .. issues.. for years now and even though I have visited shrinks and been medicated, I have never really felt.. good. I have gotten better over the years, man have I gotten better, I used to be in a bad place, and I'm on 26, so after 11 years of fighting with something you have no control over, you learn how to best deal with it and to live your life the best way you can with that .. issue. I have never been a person for pain, never been a 'cutter' really, in my courses of treatment I have come across a few ppl who have and I have even made friends with ppl who have, I don't judge. After everything I've dealt with who am I to cast judgement? Asking those ppl though why they did it, the answer I always got was that it helps them release the 'pain' that is built up on the inside. The never really made sense to me. I mean I understand the 'pain they are talking about, emotional, mental pain, it is excruciating, and can kill you.. literally. But I never understood how adding a outside physical pain to it could release it from the inside. Now I think I kind of understand that logic. The tattoo hurt, but afterward.. well 'today' afterward, I feel calm, I'm not nearly as stressed as I have been in the past weeks. My head seems clearer, I haven't come close to getting a headache, which lately has become almost a daily occurrence. I feel like I have had some kind of pressure release from inside me, like I was a balloon that was being blown up to it's absolute capacity about to burst, and now someone has opened the valve and let the air out, no more pressure against the walls, and I even have room to breath. I wonder if it is from the actual physical pain that gave me this sense of release, or if it was the idea that I went and did something for myself, I went and got a tattoo.. though I doubt that is the reason.. I just don't know. But no fear, I am not becoming addicted to pain, and I will not be turning into a 'cutter' so no need to worry about my flesh. And I am still medicated so my emotional and mental well being is still doing good too :)